He Gives Me The Strength I Need

So I am sitting here at home. Mom just dropped me off from a day at the hospital. I am finally able to loose it and cry. It feels good to finally cry. I have held in the sobbing and the grief as long as I can, for 8 hours to be exact. I didn't want to loose grip of myself at the hospital. It was so hard to be strong. I am now by myself, just me and God. I can finally cry "why" out to Him. Deep down, I know why. It wasn't my time to have a baby. This baby wasn't meant to be. I know it was not my fault. I know "these things happen". I know that I have so many wonderful prayer warriors and friends that are surrounding me with love. None of the answers make it easier. No matter what I tell myself, and what anyone says, I wanted this pregnancy to work. I had my blood work done at 8am this morning. Mom and I went to Cracker Barrel to kill time and eat a good breakfast. After that, we headed back to the hospital for 10am to meet with my doctor and get my test results. My levels were at 623. It was not even close to what we were all expecting. It needed to go up by 2/3 from what it was on Wednesday. She said that by looking at my levels over the last couple of weeks, she knew that this pregnancy was not a normal one. Even I knew this deep down. This type of heavy bleeding, cramping, low levels, and clotting isn't normal. She then sent me to see a radiologist to get an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterus). Unfortunately, they were unable to rule it out, because they found the fetus in my left fallopian tube. Of course, the fetus cannot survie outside the uterous, and it also risks my life. If they had not caught this in time, it would have eventually burst, and rupture my tube, which would call for removal. Instead, they sent me for more bloodwork and then sent me to Oncology where they give chemo treatments. They reason they sent me there was to give me a treatment, a shot, of a medication called Methotrexate. This is used in the treatment of cancer, along with ectopic pregnancies. This prevents the the growth of the egg, and rapidly diving cells. It dissolves the tissue. This route was the best choice. It was either that or surgery, or wait until it burst, which could cause me internal bleeding. The medication also preserves my fertility, so I can still get pregnant. Now, my chances of having this happen to me again is higher than most people, but I have a greater chance of having a healthy pregnancy later down the road. So, its said and done. Hopefuly this medication works. Hopefully I don't end up having to have surgery. Hopefully the bleeding stops soon. I have to go for more blood work twice next week, and then once a week after that until my levels drop. After my level is back at a negative, then they are going to do a dye test in my tubes to make sure that I passed everything and to make sure I have no blockage in my tubes. If I get cleared after that, and after a normal cycle or two, we can try to concieve again. We are hopefully looking at trying again toward the end of the summer. I think by then, I will be ready physically and emotionally. There is a huge void in my life now. I know I was only 7 weeks along, and my situation could have been a lot worse, but I can't help but feel grief like none other. In two days, I lost my job and my baby. Thats a lot to deal with. God will get us through this. I do have faith in that. HE holds me, and my future.

I know I have told ya'll this time and time again, but Tommy and I really do appreciate all the thoughts, concerns, prayers, visits, calls, texts, and the list continues. We have truly felt the prayers and the love.